Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.