They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.