Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.