Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”