me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*