damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.