I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??