Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.