*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
How I’d get arrested…
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.