[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?