ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that