her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.