Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it