[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.