Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar