Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.