Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.