Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody