Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel