[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”