Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.