*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.