This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
BRO LMFAO
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.