Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?