mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary
Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living
You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??
straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.
Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?
If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.
Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.
Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
first responders? you mean reply guys?
may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.
-old irish blessing