when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter