I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions