I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.