No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding