I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.