When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.