If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this