My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there