You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”