Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore