My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
