Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff