HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in