I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new