My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.