Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti