I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.