Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
you stereotypes are all alike