MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.