Called it
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.