Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped