Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
