[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god