ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*