I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?